Hello, dear sisters, and readers of the Sisters of the Fey. I hope life is treating you well. May Halloween and any day you celebrate in October and early November have been a wonderful time. May autumn be kind to you.
Last month I invited you on a journey to discover my origins, which took us to my childhood. This month we continue to my teenage years which, I guess, where quite an unsettling time and not only because of hormone changes and peer pressure.
A bad start as a teenager
My mother passed away in August, and my thirteenth birthday was in October the same year. What an unlucky time to lose your mother. Not that there is ever a lucky time for that event!
It is only now that I realise the significance of that part of her passing to my development. Another important thing happened too: my psychic abilities showed themselves the last time I saw my mother alive. Somehow I knew I wouldn’t see her again, and it scared the hell out of me.
Not knowing where this knowledge came from and how to deal with it, I left for a church camp. A week later, I came home for her funeral.
This was not the best way to be introduced to your abilities
Last month I told you about how I wanted to end my life on the day of my mother’s funeral. I told you I still feel like I lost a part of myself on that fateful day. Looking back on my teenage years, this feeling becomes stronger.
I never felt like one person. Looking into a mirror, it was always someone else staring back at me. There was this outside girl, who dealt well with her mother’s death, was good at school and helped at home, but the inside “me” harbored a lot of pain, rage, and confusion.
These two parts of me were in a continuous battle with each other, figuring out how to deal with life. Today I would say that I might have developed a Dissociative Identity Disorder even though I have never been officially diagnosed. Or maybe I had spiritual helpers that I was not aware of?
Books ~ A Safety Net
Books were my safety net, and I used the knowledge I gained to decide about life, the universe, and everything else. I was lucky to have access to the village library, but also my parents had a wall full of books from poetry to erotic stories. Yes, I had a look at those too.
I read the Bible twice. Once in the Luther translation, and the other time in a modern wording. I read about all important world religions, psychology, philosophy and all sorts of fiction from “Daddy Longlegs” to “The Children of Sheweborn”.
I was lucky enough to go to schools, which encouraged us to read. For example, the curriculum introduced us to literature like Camus’s “The Myth of Sisyphus” and Herman Hesse’s “Siddharta” both of which influenced me greatly.
My step mum gave me books like Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” and “The Art of Loving” by Erich Fromm. Today, I also believe I was lucky to grow up in a society that allowed me to think for myself and to come to my own conclusions. I can say that I would not be the person I am today without the books and libraries, and the people who love me.
I wasn’t a loner though…
Yet, I wasn’t a loner who just sat in her room reading. Directly after confirmation, and along with the help of a friend, I volunteered with the local Protestant church to lead a children’s group.
I had other friends who met up regularly to study, help each other with homework, and just hang out. I learned to play the recorder outside of school. I also went swimming and visited a sports club. I kept on doing these things even when we moved to another part of Germany to be with my step mum.
Unsettling Family Situation
Now we’ve arrived to the unsettling part of my teenage years. My father had relationships outside of their marriage even when my mother was alive. These activities sped up after her death.
A few months after her passing, he introduced us to his first girlfriend, a lovely woman whom he’d met at work. She lived two hundred miles away from us, so instead of spending my weekends with my friends, I had to go with him to create his “new” family. This relationship only lasted a few years until he found another partner much closer to home.
This time they allowed me to spend some weekends at home with my friends because I was older. Usually, they required my brother and I to spend time with them.
When I turned seventeen, my father met my step mum, and we moved. I hated to move again, and I did not get on well at first with my step mum.
But she is an incredible woman who stood by her principles even when I was fighting her. That impressed me even though I was rather angry. Once my father moved on to his next partner, we build a lasting friendship but that story comes next month.
Trying to fit in
In these years, I still tried to fit myself into the teachings of the German Protestant Church. But some things just seemed utterly illogical.
I vividly remember when we went to confirmation class that our Pastor taught us that giving your life to Jesus is the only way to be saved. But some of us youngsters did not take to that kind of thinking.
We had a huge discussion with him, where we argued that a god who is love would not abandon someone who hadn’t had the chance to hear anything about Christianity. In addition, Muslim children attended the class, and it felt utterly wrong that they should be “doomed” because they were not Christians. I can’t remember how the discussion ended, but he did not convince us. 🙂
Spirit shows herself in many guises
When we moved north to my step-mum, I entered a Protestant community that was more relaxed and open-minded than the one I was used to. I had an incredible religious studies teacher who had lived in Africa and the United States. She taught us about the different branches of Christianity. I think she laid the foundation for my belief, that spirit shows herself in many, many guises, and that all of those have their right of existence.
The conclusion I drew from reading about many religions/spiritual paths was this: When it comes down to it, religious/spiritual teachings show us different ways of living and how to get on well with each other. Because we live in different environments, this looks different in each part of the world.
In my opinion, what we now call “Human Rights,” lies at the bottom of every religion/spiritual path. It’s human interpretations that describe how we are different because we follow different spiritualities.
Learning about Meditation
I can’t remember exactly when I stumbled over a little book that introduced me to meditation. No idea why and where I bought it. I recall how I sat down in my room, staring at a lit candle and concentrating on my breath. This book also included other exercises. I still have the book, even though I now work with other means for meditation.
By now, I had become more aware of my ability to sense future and past events, even as the people around me tried to hide them.
I got into trouble enough times over this new-found ability. It would take me many years to figure out that not everybody can sense these things. My consciousness was always living in its own little universe, while my body acted outside. There were connections, but these did not always compute properly. And, I sensed a lot of things that the person I was interacting with was not aware of.
Not exploring my abilities
I still tried to fit into the Christian Community, which did not always look kindly on anyone with psychic abilities. Besides, the experience of losing my mother did not encourage me to explore these abilities further.
However, I like to explore the mysterious. Maybe that’s what kept me looking without me realising that’s what I was doing.
Isn’t it strange how we sometimes do things or buy things, and we don’t know why? Yet, those items become something very important in our lives.
I’m glad I found this little book about meditation because it guided me towards a spiritual awareness outside of regulated religion/spirituality. That journey has been very beneficial for me.
Next month, I’ll share where this exploration led me. I’m also thankful for my grandmother and my godmother. They kept me sane with their unconditional love, even though I don’t mention them here individually.
Thanks for joining me on this journey of discovery
Thanks for coming with me on this journey of self-discovery and for reading this post. It helps to expose how I arrived at the place I’m in now.
Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation where you had to buy or do something even though you didn’t have a clue why; only to learn the reason later?
If so, let me know about your experience in the comments. I’m interested in learning more about that sequence of events.
May you have a wonderful month with many positive experiences.